Brillz!!

Email from Thelma to Louise, 8:59AM:

"I am such a r'tard. My car was finally fixed yesterday afternoon but it was after I went to work HH so dad had to drive it to the 7 where we then exchanged vehicles. Anyway, so after my shift when it was time for me to go home, I got in my car and tried to start it. It wouldn't start. I tried starting that stupid car for nearly 10 minutes and NOTHING! It wasn't making any kind of sound either so I had no clue WTF was wrong. I tried calling my dad a bajillion times and left him about 8 messages (he was on the road to Houston so I knew he was still awake). I even called my sister and woke her up and she tried calling dad and couldn't get in touch with him either. Anyway, I'd already had kind of a shitty night so I was flustered to the max and started crying. Then the sweet but slightly obnoxious because I feel like he's constantly harassing me man who sells flowers at the 7 walked by while I was sitting in my car crying and he said "Young lady, I have some BEAUtiful.." and before he could finish I snapped at him, "NO I'm FINE, thank you!" Then he walked off and I felt terrible and started crying even harder. Then I'd had enough crying, so I got out of my car, left it at the 7, and stormed down to Joe's with my vodka/soda. On the way to Joe's I threw my half empty (yes, at this point it's half empty - not half full) styro of vodka/soda against the brick wall of Joe's bc I knew it would make me feel better. Then I walked into Joe's and saw Lawless and The Menace sitting at the bar so I joined them. Apparently I was visibly upset bc The Menace immediately bought me a red headed slut and Lawless asked, "Are you okay, Mucher?" Anyway, my dad FINALLY calls back and I explain to him that may car isn't starting blah, blah, blah, etc., etc. and he says, "Did you hold the clutch in while you tried to start it??" Oops. Evidently I forgot how to drive a stick while my car was in the shop :/"

T-Lo's Bows

Tired of red, green, gold or white gift bows? Any of your favorite magazines, newspapers, maps, wallpapers, menus, posters, lyrics, etc. can be made into uber-chic gift bows. Bring us your material of choice and we'll make them for you. 2 bows for just $1 or 12 bows for $5!

Hope you have a happy holiday season!
T-Lo


AND don't forget that Lo's b'day is right around the corner!! ; )

Thelma Learns a Lesson

Email to Lo from T, sent at 7:00 this morning:

"Did YOU know you’re no supposed to consume alcohol while on cold medicine? I didn’t know that. No one told me. Apparently it’s in very small print on the label. Who reads labels anyway?? Perhaps, if in big, bold, flashing neon print the label read 'cold medicine + alcohol = complete mind-eraser = cheapest date ever = Danger! Danger! = DO NOT try this at home = I’M AN IDIOT!!!' I might have read the warning. But, no. I’m irate. I feel like suing. Although I totes deserved it :/

Anyway, I have absolutely no idea how I got home last night from Joe’s. Or it could have been the 7. Who knows? Did Manny drive my car home? Please, please, PLEASE tell me Manny drove my car home!! All I know is when I got in my car this morning to go to work the seat was pushed way back. So definitely a dude drove it. Or a very large Amazon woman. But I don’t think we know any of those. Oh, and my car radio sounds freakishly weird this morning too. I guess I thought it needed an adjustment last night? Interesting. But strangely I’ve defied the laws of physics and feel totally fine this morning. Except I’m a little tired bc I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at 2:30AM. I guess that’s what happens when you pass out at, what was it, 8…9 o’clock??

That being said, I really REALLY need you to email me as SOON as you get this please. I need deets!! There are so many questions running through my head right now! Like…how embarrassing was I last night? How many witnesses? Did I take off any clothes? Did I try to dance on the bar? Did I (gasp!) play shuffle board?? And if so, was I cheering obnoxiously??? But more importantly, how did I manage to not break any furniture when I got home??? Wait, is the shower curtain in tact? I didn’t even think to check this morning. Also, I have a sneaking suspicion I ran my mouth in a HUGE way. But I honestly don’t know! I need answers!! WHERE ARE THE DETECTIVES OF CSI: HANGOVER WHEN YOU NEED THEM?!?!?! Don’t worry – I’ve already checked my phone to make sure there’s nothing “texts from last night” worthy. Phewf! But Lo, it is so bad I had to change my fbook status to “DAMAGE CONTROL!!!” All caps…"

Overheard at the 7: TMI!!

T: 1047, this is…Thelma :)
Lady on the phone: Hi…um, I have a question and…you’re probably going to think I’m crazy, but…well, my boyfriend lives in Northwest Alabama and he wants to have a threesome and he asked me to find another girl but I’m not from here and I don’t know where to find one.
T: ...Ummm...
Lady: Please don’t laugh. I’m sorry, I know this sounds crazy but I’m being serious.
T: ...Uhhhhhh... (gesturing to Lo for some help) ...I know exactly who you need to talk to. Hang on a sec... (hands phone to Lo)

Cut to 15 minutes later

Lady on the phone: So...that's not a normal threesome?
Lo: Uh....no. Wait, how serious is this relationship?
Lady: Well, we've been together off and on for 35 years
Lo: Ok...
Lady: I should just block his number, huh?
Lo: Yes.

Obviously, Lo got all the deets on exactly what was to happen during this threesome. Nasty. We couldn’t post any of it. Try to imagine the dirtiest porn flick you can think of and then multiply it by 10 and it’s probably not as X-Rated as this scenario.

Welcome Back (Hot &) Hotter

Welcome back guys! We're here to introduce a new little addition to our blog: a weekly-ish featurette entitled "Overheard at the Bar"...names will be changed to protect the "innocent." (If you feel your code name is too obvious, alert us immediately and changes will be made ASAP).

So...off we go!

Overheard at "the 7":
So this girl came in to happy hour last night, and I've never seen her before. But after my shift, I sat and had a couple drinks with MGD, and she was begging us to take her to 322. Of course we both said no. Then she started writing notes to MGD asking if he and I would go home with her. It was....strange.......


Wow. Quite the weirdo, no?

Please share any stories you may have overheard this past weekend...lord knows they're out there!

Oh and, stay tuned for the possibilities of many parties in the upcoming Talk Like a Pirate Day/Football Game Days/Halloween/Turkey Day/Lo's B'day/Christmas season of getting crunk!!

Birthdays!!!!!!!!

A very special Happy Birthday from Lo to T!!! And a Happy Belated Birthday from T-Lo to Manny :D Hope all the daddies had a Happy Father's Day as well.

We're baaaaaaaack!

Um...hi. We’re really sorry about the extended hiatus, but shit has pretty much hit the fan in our lives lately. We don’t want to go into too much detail but suffice it to say that Thelma and Louise both have new scars and one of us has a new work address among many, many other things. We can still be found at Joe’s or the 7 but with less frequency as the money isn’t pouring in these days...of course, our readers are always more than welcome to buy us drinks as we will never, EVER turn them down...well, maybe jager-bombs after 2 or 3 in the morning aren’t a good idea...
Hugs and whiskey shots!
T-Lo

Mondays are stupid

First words spoken this morning:

Louise: Uuuggghhh I don’t want to go to woooork!

Thelma: Uhhh yeah, this blows…

If it weren’t for us having so much fun last night, we’d be super pissed off about Monday today. For the first time since I can remember, we actually did stuff on a Sunday. We were pretty booked, to be honest.

The day started with a trip downtown to the Physician’s Cookin’ (not Cokin’) Roundup. Manny went with us and we ate lots of chili. I never found the wild game chili, but the white chili was sooooo good! We also tried the first place winning chili. It was a traditional chili except made with turkey. I’m not sure why it won first place. It wasn’t even as good as Wendy’s chili. But, whatever. Benny played which was a huge surprise and made the day even better! Of course we had to go to the stage to say hi. Lo dared me to request “Long Black Veil” on a cocktail napkin (if you didn’t know, I request that song on a bar nap every time Ben plays at the 7), so I did. Good times!

Afterward the three of us argued back and fourth for a while about whether or not we were going out east to get ice cream. I had a rice krispies treat from the cookin’ roundup so I was good to go, but I joined in on the ice cream debate anyway :). We ended up just going home and relaxing before out next event: A very special bday party!

Around 7:15-ish we arrived at Sinclair’s, fashionably late, per usual. We joined the Bday Boy ( we’ll come up with a for real blog name later) and his bday entourage (a.k.a. all of Lo’s coworkers) outside on the patio for some cocktails. We all had a great time, and then decided to continue the birthday fun at Joe’s. Last night was absolutely the best Sunday night, and quite possibly the best night period, we’ve had at Joe’s ever. We walked in a little later than everyone else (we had to make a pit stop at the house for some food) and took our places at the bar. The pool table side was completely empty but the bar side was filled – I’m talking every seat – with awesome. At one point I looked down either side of the bar and said to Lo, “There is not one person in here I don’t know and like!” It was seriously the ideal layout. TCO, Bunny, Dragnet, the Bday Boy, and several other peeps (who also need blog names now) were all there. Not only that but Tubbs had Casey Kasem’s Top 40 from 1983 playing! Who doesn’t LOVE the ‘80s?! Being slightly younger than everyone, little T didn’t quite get some of the references. Everyone got a good laugh out of that. Who knew that three-year gap was so big?! Anyway Bubbles, who will soon be our new bartender (this is wonderful news for us although we’ll miss the heck outta Tubbs), dubbed Sundays ‘80s Night! Heck yeah! At one point I made 20 bucks just for showing a little leg. At first I was somewhat apprehensive about accepting the cash gift because I kinda felt like a cheap hooker (except not as trashy-looking because we were sporting our cutest polos/polo dresses last night). But then Lo, a.k.a. The Voice of Reason, said “Just think of it as he just paid your next tab.” Sold! I gratefully accepted the 20 bucks.

Anyway, the fun of last night kicked the rest of the weekend’s ass, so today sucks a teensy bit less than most Mondays. So far anyway..,

The most ridiculous thing you’ve ever seen

Lo and I are looking to give our wardrobes a little face-lift. Lo came across this today in her research, which is EXACTLY what we’re looking for. A few of our top picks:

1. The Couch Dress

This is what started the whole thing. This item of clothing is not only super stylish but is multipurpose too! You get a dress AND a blanket. It’s a 2fer! It also reminds us a little of the Snuggie T received for Christmas. T-Lo email conversation:

Lo (1:59 PM): Wtf??? I mean...what purpose does that even serve???

T (2:00 PM): No clue. And couldn't they have found a more attractive woman to sell that ad? I mean, my GOD she's ugly!

2. Unisex Snap Trainer

For all those intense three-legged track races! And it only costs $29!!! I mean, who DOESN’T need a pair of these every once in a while? T-Lo email conversation:

T (2:20 PM): I'd totally wear those out with you! haha can you imagine how many times we'd fall if we wore those out one night?

Lo (2:21 PM): My falling compounded by your falling = just serve us our fucking drinks on the floor please!

And to top off our list of favorite abstract (though not intentionally so) outfits, we have selected the clover wind breaker to join the elite rankings of our wardrobes:

3. Shamrocker Green Triplejacket

The picture pretty much says it all. If you aren’t either laughing hysterically or at least fighting laughter at your desk (or wherever you are) right now, there’s something wrong with you. Oh, and Manny, you ARE the third clover leaf…

There are many more couture styles to choose from. We invite you to explore the site and tell us which item(s) you’d want in YOUR wardrobe.

That is all.

T-Lo

Genius

Thelma hit an all time high on the genius scale today. Email to Lo (Today, 1:27 PM):

“So, today during my lunch break I ran by the house before running a few errands. Since our house has been looking somewhat frat-tastic lately I decided to do a bit of straightening up. So I crammed the rest of the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and decided to go ahead and run a load. Well, as I was pouring the detergent into the little detergent holder thingy, I noticed the bottle of detergent was almost empty. There wasn't enough to fill the detergent holder thingy, but since we were able to cram SOOO many dishes in there, I felt that the dishes wouldn't be thoroughly cleaned if I didn't fill that detergent holder thingy to its full capacity (there was only enough detergent to fill it up about 2/3 full). So I topped it off with regular dish soap, turned on the dishwasher and left to run errands.

After my errands I came back home to make a sandwich to take back to the office. Well, I walk into the kitchen and HOLY SHIT the entire kitchen floor iss COVERED in suds! I am not exaggerating! Bubbles were EVERYWHERE! Let me tell you how long THAT took to clean up. Needless to say we don't have to mop the kitchen floor for a while....”

Yes, that actually happened.

Kiss me, I'm Irish!

We hope everyone had a wonderful Mardi Gras and that whatever you chose to give up for Lent, if anything, you are able to stick with it!

Now, moving on to the next festivity. There has been some underground noise about a possible T-Lo St. Pattie’s Day Party. I mean, where else would you go for this? We have a freaking lighted clover hanging in our front window and we drink Irish car bombs like it’s our job! There is a hitch however. T will not be present with us on this special day as she has her sister’s wedding to attend in TX (I know - how dare she not plan her wedding around our social life!) so the date will have to be moved. There is the distinct possibility that the party will be held the Friday prior to St. Pattie’s. Please indicate on our poll how you would feel about such an event.

P.s. We JUST realized that’s another Friday the 13th! Perfect!

What’s in our water? Part III

Thank you to everyone who made it to our V-Day party on Friday. It was a blast, per usual. TCO’s punch was a hit yet again. In fact, we’re still enjoying the leftovers ;). For those of you who told us you’d be there and never showed up, don’t even TRY to use the rain as an excuse. You flaked out. End of story. But you’re still invited to the next party :). Anyway, it’s times like this we wish our blog wasn’t anonymous (ha! Who are we kidding?). There are some very imiwa pics of a certain someone’s homemade pink tutu that we unfortunately will not be posting here.

It is quite obvious that once again, the Montgomery Water Works and Sanitary Sewer Board has been tampering with our water supply. If you weren’t out Tuesday night you missed one hell of a shit-show. EVERYONE was COMPLETELY plastered beyond anything we’ve ever seen! Manny described it like being in the Twilight Zone. It was absolutely bizarre. We witnessed at least two people completely bite it. One guy even took out some poor woman with him. She was sitting at the nudie photo hunt machine, and this guy smashed her into the machine when he pummeled her! Fortunately for both of them she was just as hammered as he was and couldn’t care less. I think they ended up going home together. It was like this all night long.

And the insanity apparently wasn’t limited to Cloverdale. At some point we got word that Manny’s friend AJ, who had been out east at Foot on the Floor, lost his wallet to a crack whore! That sucks big time. I don’t even think he got laid, the poor guy!

Also, at some point the conversation turned to hard drugs (???) because the next morning Lo pulled THIS little gem out of her purse:

Bar-nap:

"If you can't do drugs w/your family, do them w/a hooker.
-T"

In other equally disturbing news, Thelma FINALLY got her new car! Guess what kind it is…A BEETLE!!! The disturbing part is actually not the make of the car, but that it’s a stick. Thelma doesn’t know how to drive a stick. She had a quick lesson after work yesterday but it was cut short due to tornadic conditions. So for the first time since we can remember, Lo drove us to the bar. Anyway, that’s your warning to stay off the roads when T’s en route. You can call ahead before you go anywhere to check on her location if you want. It’s probably not a bad idea. Also, so you know what to look out for, the Beetle is navy blue and it’ll be the one bouncing erratically down the street (that whole changing gears deal is really complicated and difficult to learn). It might even be stalled.

As a side note, thank you to all who turned in the proper paperwork for the position of “BF/Assistant/Handler/Entourage” of Lo. The position has been filled. That is all.

Be mine.

It’s almost Valentine’s Day, and what a perfect reason to celebrate! We’ve been throwing around the idea of hosting another T-Lo party in honor of Saint Valentine. We’re thinking either the Thursday or Friday evening before Valentines Day (which is that Saturday in case you didn’t know). That way you relationship people can spend VDay with your one and only (barf). We’re polling again for this one so don’t forget to vote!

Anyway, last night over a glass of champagne (yes, we broke our own “weekends only” rule) Lo and I were deep in conversation. About all SORTS of worldly issues of tremendous importance. We also renamed the days of the week. Monday is now Martini Monday (or you can do Margarita Monday if you don’t like Martinis, but Martinis are better), Tequila Tuesday, Whiskey Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday, Fucked-up Friday, Shit-faced Saturday, and Sucking-wind Sunday. You’re welcome.

Hooray for Friday! Let’s all meet at the Corner at 7. That means you’ll see me around 9ish. It’s unclear whether Lo will be joining me. She’s a little under the weather (boo) and may need some good ol’ rest and relaxation tonight. Maybe I can still talk Manny into babysitting though. We’ll see.

Have a fantastic weekend, people!

Kisses,
T-Lo

Recuperating

Wow, last night’s bday celebrations sure were fun. Thanks, Bunny, for having a birthday! My liver hurts. Anyway, I think it’s safe to say champagne should be kept for weekends only…

Speaking of weekends, last Saturday we got a crew together and hit up Club 227 in time for the drag show (which did NOT start promptly at midnight). First, though, T-Lo started out at Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s house where we enjoyed some delicious jello shots. My favorite was the green kind :). Mr. and Mrs. Smith are so hospitable! They also live in a great house that makes us like the House of Hotness a little bit less.

Wait a minute. We didn’t start out at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Our alcohol consumption commenced precisely at 2 o’clock that afternoon at the House of Hotness. Let me look at my notes (yes, we took notes this time so we’d remember more)…

"Saturday

Commencement - 2P
-Bottle o' Andre -
Time of Death: 2:45 PM

-Bottle o' Whiskey -
Time of Death: 3:56 PM

-Started off the day w/ mimosas (made w/Orangina - the good shit!) & sushi

-Blueberry Vodka -
T.O.D.: 6:18 PM"

Anywho, after the jello shot festivities we had a couple drinks at Joe’s and then headed to Club 227! As previously mentioned, we got to see the drag show. Mr. Smith gave us dollar bills so we could tip the drag queens for a stellar performance. I got to stuff a dollar bill into this queen’s bra! Yep, that’s Thelma’s hand! Awesome. The Babysitter was with us, of course, because we can’t be trusted at a gay night club by ourselves. Photon and The Duke came too! And Kicks was there! And Rubba! To our dismay we never saw TCO :(. But it was an all-around imiwa night!

News Flash

Today is a very special day. Our dear Bunny turns another year older. I can’t remember how old she told me last night she’s turning (oops!) but she doesn’t look a day over 19! Awwww. Anyway, Bunny will be making her way down the strip tonight and she’ll be expecting some birthday kisses! Mmmmmwah! That’s what we imagine a birthday kiss would sound like.

Love,
T-Lo

Screw the details

So everything from the aforementioned blog until this very moment has been an insane blur. Asses were kicked, names were taken. If you were around to hang out with us, awesome; if not, too freaking bad. Come out and join the cool kids sometime. Anyway, we are very, very exhausted yet trying to gear up for Weekend 2...plans to hit up Club 227 are already in the works! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have some organs transplanted...

The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale, Part II

Text conversation Saturday afternoon:
Louise (12:09 PM): “So, looks like I’m staying here this weekend.”

Thelma (12:11 PM): “Why?”

Louise (12:12 PM): “I had soooo much fun last night and I’ve been out of town every weekend. I wanna get shitty again tonight!”

Thelma (12:14 PM): “Haha maybe we need to get more bubbly...”

Louise (12:14 PM): “Hell yeah! We were so awesome last night!”

Thelma (12:15 PM): “As always.”

Louise (12:17 PM): “Is it too early to start drinking?”

Thelma (12:18 PM): “Nah. It’s Saturday.”

Louise (12:20 PM): “Why sober up? I’m gonna ride this drunkenness til tonight, bitches!”

And thus our Saturday begins.

Fast forward to Saturday night (we won’t even bother with the rest of the day since it was absolutely unproductive): We started our alcohol intake regimen earlier that day, so we were good and buzzed when it was time to start “getting ready” to go out for round 2. Speaking of getting ready, you should see this process. It’s actually pretty entertaining. But that’s another blog. Anyway, no bubbly this time. I stuck to vodka, Lo drank…was it rum? (yes) Also, the Babysitter stopped by to hang with us for a little while. (it was his bottle of rum.) Did we do a shot? (of course we did…several)

Bare with us – the nights are beginning to run together.

Okay, let’s go ahead and assume we had a Hole in the Head with the Babysitter. Then he left to hang with other friends and T-Lo headed to Fairview intent, once again, on being complete bitches. Sans the pretty dresses.

Once at Joe’s, we took our reserved seats at the Corner. TCO (!) showed up and we dished with her for a while. Outlaw’s there too and it’s laughs and carbombs all day. Meanwhile, the Babysitter was lurking around the bar for who knows how long before we finally realized he was there. He sat down and we all talked some smack. Then effing Stormy walks in and heads straight over to where we’re sitting “to hang out with us.” Yeah, right. You’re just bored and lonely. “It’sgon’rain!” Anyway, you should have heard all the sh*t that was coming out of her mouth! We thought WE were bad. Also, we received drag queen names. Red Bull, who tells awful and offensive stories, was named Miss Spoke. Louise was dubbed Miss Chievous. And I got Miss…Awesome. It was actually said with that pause. Why whoever named us couldn’t come up with something cool for me like Miss Cheivous, I do not know. Miss Awesome doesn’t even count. It has to be an actual word that begins with ‘mis.’ Duh!

Later on the Babysitter took Bug to the Head, leaving T-Lo to our own devices. Mwahahahaha! Bad move, Babysitter! We hang out for a while and pretty much just shoot the shit with TCO all night. We had some interesting/hilarious conversations. Always a good time. At one point, I accidentally sent a rather incriminating text to Stormy that was actually meant for someone else. Louise sees what’s happening and IMMEDIATELY comes to the rescue. I can’t tell you how many times she’s covered my ass. But the look on her face when she realized what I’d done was priceless. It was one of those jaw-dropping looks that says “O. M. F. G. You are screwed!” After I thank her for literally saving me from sheer disaster, she says, “You’d be in serious hot water without me around, missy!” Ain’t that the truth.

Around 10 o’clock I’m all of a sudden exhausted and head home. This time, however, I’m somewhat able to hold a conversation and actually bid farewell to some people (the night before was vaporizing at it’s finest). Yet again, Lo is left to wrap up the night without T.

The details of the remainder of the night are extremely fuzzy, but we’ll give it a shot. T is home snuggled up in her bed. Lo heads up the street to the 7 with coworkers. The Babysitter shows back up (phew!). A drink may have been sacrificed to the gods of the underworld / the floor of the 7. Oh, apparently at last call the credit card machines went down. If you weren’t carrying cash, you were told to “go get some.” Fortunately there’s an ATM real close by, and luckily Louise was one of the first to get to it. After waiting in line behind a few people (BB included, yikes!), Louise is up and brilliantly decides to withdraw $200 dollars to cover her 20-something dollar bar tab (haha). It turns out that ATM limits you at $100, which at this particular time is a good thing. So Lo takes her $100 (still way more than she needs) and heads back in to pay up, but not before learning that the ATM ran out of many three people later! Knowing she had no business withdrawing that amount of cash, Lo books it back inside before anyone can realize what she’s done. HaHAH! She’s always so quick on her feet! No one is sure of the time, but if it was last call it had to be 4ish – at least 6 hours after T had gone to bed. A-Mazing.

So, yeah. Lo remembers paying the tab but that is literally it. Getting in a car and going home? Forget about it.

Stay tuned for the awesomeness that was Sunday…

The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale, Part I

Thelma: “I know it was a regular two-day weekend for me, but for some reason I feel like I haven’t been to work in years…”

Louise: “That’s because we packed a WHOLE LOT into just a couple days!”

This weekend…Ah, where to start? First of all, let’s start with the fact that Lo ended up staying in town after all! So this was the first time in ages T-Lo has been out together during the weekend. And I’d just like to say we sure know how to turn a roomie reunion into an absolute shit show. Now for a run-down:

Friday: should have started out with Lo heading up to the ‘Ham while I prepared a side dish and attended the dinner party (it was JT’s turn this time). Unfortunately, I was informed mid-way through the day I’d be working late and would have to miss the dinner party. About the same time I received that news, Lo emailed me informing me she’d decided to stay the night in Montgomery and head up to Birmingham the following morning. That’s when it was settled – we were on a debauched mission to rip Cloverdale a new one. Seriously, this was preplanned:

Email from Lo (Friday, Jan. 16, 5:07 PM): “I cannot wait for us to get crunk. I’m gonna wear a dress and everything.”

So when I got home from work at 7:30 Friday night, I threw together some dinner and we immediately popped open that bottle of champagne. It lasted all of maybe half an hour. While finishing our last glass, Lo, who was apparently reading my mind, said, “We’re about to kill this bottle of champagne and for some reason I’m not drunk.” So how do we fix this problem? How about a Hole in the Head?! Brilliant! Well, one Hole in the Head turns into three, plus a couple cocktails. Keep in mind, this all happens BEFORE we even leave the house.

Before moving on, we need to do a little back-tracking in order for you to truly understand our state of mind. Heavy drinking wasn’t the only thing we preplanned. We also preplanned our attitudes and general treatment of anyone fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to cross our paths. Email conversation earlier that day:

Thelma (3:39 PM): “zomg trial by jury’s playing at the 7 tonight!”

Louise: (3:50 PM): “Nice. And since everything is straightened out, things won't be weird! Hooray!”

Thelma (3:53 PM): “haha yeah! i think tonight's going to be fun. i kinda feel like being bitchy to people tonight. we'll see how i feel once we're out.”

Louise (3:55 PM): “Oh yeah. C'dale beware!! The Cloverbitches are on the loose!”

Thelma (4:01 PM): “Aww i miss being Cloverbitches :( . Well, for old times sake we'll be complete (Clover)bitches tonight!

And that is just what we did! We showed up at Joe’s close to 10 o’clock and proceeded to put “Mission: Be a Complete Bitch to Everyone in Sight” into action. Apparently we talked quite a bit of smack, obnoxiously yelled out random weather forecasts, I refused to hold a conversation with anyone except for Lo and the Babysitter, etc. Of course, we remembered none of this until the next day when we asked the Babysitter to come over for a debriefing of the previous night.

Anyway, evidently that entire bottle of bubbly, three vodka shots, several vodka drinks and a handful of carbombs did the trick. It wasn’t even quite midnight when I realized I was waaaaaay too intoxicated to keep the party going. I went home but fortunately for Cloverdale, Lo was able to hold down the fort at the 7.

Take it away, Lo!

Aight- here we go...so, I honestly do not remember anything after T went home. I mean, walking with the Babysitter up to the 7 in the freezing cold? Brilliant! Anyway, more vodka and car bombs and shots were apparently consumed. There is no recollection of time spent at the 7...fortunately, no one I really knew was there so face was saved. Just kidding! The shit-show continued at home. Upon returning home, said 'Sitter looked away from Lo for a moment and the pinball began. Drunky McFalls-a-lot (aka Lo) fell into every piece of furniture between the front door and the bed. Bruises were absolutely apparent the next morning. To my absolute astonishment, I had no hangover. Rock on. We own this town!

Saturday: Thanks to an early morning phone call, I, Thelma, was up at 7 o'clock on Saturday morning. Wonderful. I get out of bed to refill my water bottle (I'm super dehydrated at this point). When I walk into our dining room I notice one of the chairs has been knocked over on it's back. My immediate response is to blame Eleanor (such a bad kitty!). I bend over to pick up the chair when I notice something strange about the dining room table. I have to go back into my room to get my glasses because somehow I was coherent enough to remove my contacts before passing out the night before. Wait, I also tried (unsuccessfully) to read three different books when I got home. The words wouldn't stop moving in each book I opened, so I eventually gave up. Anyway, I put on my glasses and go back into the dining room. ZOMG the table is slanted at practically a 45 degree angle!!! How did this happen?!?! And how did I not wake up?!?! Luckily Lo woke up only about an hour later, so I wasn't held in complete suspense for long. We also had to call up the Babysitter to get the specifics. Basically, by the time Lo made it home from the 7, she could have been mistaken for a ping pong ball. What we were told is she ran into practically every piece of furniture/wall in the house. This is also evident by the large bruises now covering almost every part of her body. Poor Lo! Of course we were astonished I slept through the whole thing. Also astonishing was that the bathroom was completely intact. The shower curtain hadn't been pulled down or anything (you remember this, don't you?)! Way to go, us!

In recounting the events of our glorious night, we realized we were still missing a vital piece of the puzzle.

Louise: "Wait, how did you get home last night?"

Thelma: "....omg I have no idea!"

The Babysitter: "I drove you home."

(T&L turn to look at each other, stunned and speechless)

The Babysitter: "I mean I drove you home in your car."

Louise: "Wait, where was I??"

The Babysitter: "You came with me."

T&L (in unison): "What?!?!"

Louise: "How did we get to the 7?"

The Babysitter: "We walked. You were bitching about it."

Louise: "Okay please explain what happened."

Anyway, apparently I made it very clear I could not drive myself home. So our sweet, sweet babysitter took the keys. For some unexplainable reason I jumped in the back seat. Lo was disturbed by this and I couldn't come up with a reason. It all worked out though. Also, we learned that Lo had a slight case of butterfingers that night, spilling - no, catapulting - one drink across the bar (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but there WAS some tumbling action...je dis juste) and another one in our babysitter's car. But considering the kind of night it was, who wouldn't expect an overturned drink or two?

Stay tuned for Part II of "The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale!"

T-LO ROX THE HIZZIE!!

That message was written on a Joe’s barnap I pulled out of my purse yesterday morning. I’m pretty sure Lo is responsible for that little bit of awesomeness. It made me smile, which wasn’t an easy thing to do that morning after.

As most of you already figured out, I pretty much gave up this past week on that hibernation thing. I’m planning on taking another stab at it so don’t plan on seeing me out next Monday through at least Wednesday.

Anyway, Wednesday night T-Lo made a celebrity appearance at Joe’s. For some reason most of the guys were AWOL that night, so we had a little ΓΒΧ action going on (if you don’t know what this is, click here). We were accompanied by Lula and Bently (both first timers on the blog, but you’ll be reading about them again!), and they definitely added to the enjoyment of ΓΒΧ. We even plotted to either take over Joe’s and rename it BLACBRA, or maybe we said we’d open a new bar altogether. Can’t quite remember. Either way we would call our bar BLACBRA (that is correct – ‘black’ sans the k). There’s a story behind how we came up with that name, but if we told you we’d have to kill you because it would reveal the true identities of these two very special mystery women. You’ll probably figure out who they are by this weekend, so chill out.

After Joe’s I headed home, while Lo took the party up the street to the 7. Evidently (I wasn’t there to witness this and Lo doesn’t quite remember the details) Lo totally bitched out some random chick who was accompanied by two men in cut-off camouflage shirts and camouflage pants (I’m guessing either her bodyguards or d-bags, je dis juste) for trying to interject in her conversation. How dare she! I guess she got what was coming to her.

Tonight is Lo’s last night in Fungomery. She’s heading back to the ‘Ham for the long weekend. So we’re popping open that bottle of champagne in T minus 1 hour (we forgot to put it in the fridge so it needs a little time to chill) and making a night of it! You know where we’ll be.

Hope you have a ridiculously badass weekend!

Yours truly,

T-Lo

Mission: Impossible

Didn’t we specifically say no compelling emails? Well, evidently our dear friend Law lives by his own rules. Around 4 o’clock Tuesday afternoon I received a rather enticing email from him suggesting, since we were deprived of our usual time together at the 7, that I come out for two drinks and a carbomb. On him…………………

Okay, you twisted my arm! I didn’t even stand a chance.

So while Lo demonstrated a remarkable resistance to temptation and was hibernating away, I, Thelma, failed miserably yet again. Back to Joe’s for me. Of course as soon as TCO walks in, she immediately stops in her tracks, points at me, and starts laughing. You can’t really blame her though – I mean, my complete lack of will power lately is pretty pathetic. Even The Royal seemed somewhat perplexed asking, “So when is Ryan going to stop tricking us with these threats of hibernation?” (or something along those lines). Anyway, my fake-out turned out to be a blessing because, thanks to TCO, we can now tell someone “you’re a dbag” in seven real languages and one made-up language. Not only that, we now can also randomly shout “beer nuts!” and throw out the all important “I’m just sayin’” and sound extremely intelligent and sexy at the same time! Je dis juste. A-Mazing! For your language lesson of the day, check out TCO’s beautiful “Tabsheet Art” (to the right):

Psych!

As several of you already know, we ended up at the bars last night after all. Boy, did we fool you or what?! Did you really believe we were serious about going into hibernation? We totally punked Cloverdale!

Just kidding. Last night’s pre-hibernation throw-down (I borrowed that from TCO – she comes up with some good ones!) was actually a last-minute complete failure of will power. Hibernation will resume tonight. We mean it this time. Please, no compelling calls, texts, emails, bat signals…you get the picture. ‘Will Power’ is not either of our middle names and we very easily give into peer pressure (especially in the form of “gang bang” texts). So one more time: We are not going out tonight. Period. End of story. This is not open for debate (who am I trying to convince here??).

Anyway, both Joe’s and the 7 were pretty dead last night (I mean, it was only Monday so I guess that’s alright) so there isn’t too much news to report today. By the time we got to Joe’s, the corner had already been taken (how dare they!) and was too crowded even for us to squeeze in. We sat in the middle of the bar instead. Better views of the NFL games (which we’re sooooo interested in seeing) anyway, so there! TCO joined us for Roadhouse at the 7. At first she turned down our invitation explaining how tired she’d been all day. But there’s just something about T&L you can’t quite resist no matter how intent you are on sticking to your guns ;). Anyway, we basically owned the 7 last night. T&L, TCO, The Menace, and Law (plus Lee, Zig and maybe 2-3 others) were the only customers! And the indoor fireplace was going. How cozy! We discussed how all we need now are sofas, but then we realized if that were to happen we’d end up waking up there the next morning waaayyy too often. Talk about getting the rumor mill going…

The intimacy was short-lived. There was a downpour of randoms at about 10:00 PM. It literally went from just us to like 40 people in two shakes of a lamb’s tail! This turned out to be advantageous for us because even though we were separated from our friends, we made new ones and had drinks and shots bought for us :).

On hibernation

So as you all know, Louise has been practically MIA for some time now, spending the past several weekends/holidays with her friends and family in the ‘Ham for various reasons (yes, she is still alive). This has meant that I, Thelma, have been single-handedly wreaking havoc (or at least trying to) on Cloverdale. I’ve put in several hard-working solo hours but the recent skyrocket in Cloverdrama has begun to take its toll. I’ve come to realize I can't handle the drama that is Cloverdale without my partner in crime. I mean in all seriousness, it's just a little too much for one badass outlaw chick to conquer all on her own :(. I eagerly await Lo’s return, which shouldn’t be too far in the future. In the meantime, I’m considering joining her in her hibernation.

The following definitions of ‘hibernate’ (note specifically #2) are courtesy of MSN Encarta (http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861617791/hibernate.html):

hi•ber•nate [ hībər nàyt ] (past and past participle hi•ber•nat•ed, present participle hi•ber•nat•ing, 3rd person present singular hi•ber•nates)

intransitive verb

Definition: 1. pass winter asleep: to be in a dormant state resembling sleep over the winter while living off reserves of body fat, with a decrease in body temperature and pulse rate and slower metabolism. Animals that hibernate include bears, bats, and many amphibians.

2. become less active: to become less active, especially by staying at home rather than going out to socialize

The goals of this experiment are to 1) cleanse ourselves of all the b.s. that’s going around, 2) save some money, for cryin’ out loud, and 3) possibly drop a few lbs in the meantime. But don’t you worry – this will probably only last a few days, if that. You’ll be seeing our smiling faces sooner than you know it!

Kisses,
T-Lo

P.s. While we’re in hibernation, can someone please find out for Louise if she can take her sparkling water into Joe’s?

You best educate yo’self!

Fortunately, T-Lo had the privilege of attending two very prestigious prep schools here in Alabama, but certainly not everyone has that opportunity. Two weeks ago, the education spending budget for the state of Alabama was prorated, effectively leaving schools with a nearly $0 operating budget.

I know that many schools are asking parents to buy 2 of each household product (one for themselves and one for the school) when they grocery shop, but many families are also feeling the effects of the national economy's plummet. I, Lo, have already begun donating small amounts of money to individual schools (schools can indeed accept ear-marked cash or personal check donations for daily operations) as they each lack different necessities.

I encourage you to start out 2009 with a generous heart - you will experience a karmic repayment - and help out the kids in our public schools who are suffering because of the actions of adults. With well-educated children, we will hopefully have a more responsible and well-informed leadership in the future.

If you’re still reading, thanks for indulging me in my rant ;)
Much love!

Back with your T-Lo fix

So now that T&L have attempted to reacquaint ourselves with the 5-day work week (boo on that), we return to our blog ;) We know you were all beside yourselves with boredom without us so here we go again...welcome 2009! If anyone has awesome stories or pics from NYE (or the holidays in general), please feel free to share and/or post your souvenirs from 2008 here.

Though we spent New Years in separate cities, we were still in communication with each other. Here's a little taste of what we got into...

NYE/NYD texting between T&L:

Louise (Jan 1, 2009 1:23:05 AM): Happy new year love!

(Thelma has already crashed by now)

Louise (Jan 1, 2009 4:44:42 AM): Let me know how NYE went. Mine was weird per usual.

(Still nothing from Thelma...)

Thelma (Jan 1, 2009 10:26:32 AM): So I woke up at 6 this morning and puked. Then passed out again. Woke up at 9:30 with a pounding headache that required 3 Goody Powders. Starving. Needed food. Walked into living room to discover the shirt I wore last night on the sofa and shoes and keys by the front door. Open front door. Makeup on the stoop. WTF?? Car not there. Great. Have to walk to Joe's. On my way there I step off the sidewalk so 2 brats on scooters can get by. I step in dog shit. Want to die.

Much love!
T-Lo