Why shower curtains are crucial

Were it not for a lovely light-tobacco colored shower curtain and several high-quality antiqued bronze curtain rings, I might have drowned in my own blood in my own tub. The shower curtain - which has sustained much abuse in the last month - is still the most reliable and possibly the most important accessory in our house. If only we could line the shower in bubble wrap...

Great decision making!

Going to gym after work...even tho there is free wine and beer here...but
what happens is that people (me) get drunk here and go to the after party
(joe's) immediately at 5 and then spend lots of money ($50+) and stay out
all night (2am) and then are totally wasted and hungover the next day and
worthless...actually, eff it. I'm drinking and eating free cashews and
pineapple chunks for dinner. See you at joe's?

"What's in our water?"

So clearly the Montgomery Water Works and Sanitary Sewer Board has been wreaking havoc on the citizens of Cloverdale by putting some sort of behavior-altering drug in the water supply. Unfortunately for us, we drink filtered water so every night we're left to stare blankly at the hyper-emotional and completely shit-faced shells of our fellow
Cloverdalites.

Our solution to this problem? Try to drink as much as possible in a very short time span in an attempt to catch up to our cohorts. All that this achieves is astronomical bar tabs and throbbing morning headaches.

Oh well, we'll probably do it again tonight...

XBX till we die

So we're going to try our hands at actually blogging about real things
instead of...well, you've read our previous posts. Anyway, we've gotten
really involved in an extracurricular activity to which we refer by its
Greek abbreviation. XBX. Yes, we have, in conjunction with some very
formidable drinking partners, started a fraternity solely based on drinking
car bombs. It is imiwa. If you haven't been invited to join in the fun, you
just aren't cool enough. Sorry.

"writing"...or what passes for it these days

I must admit, as little as I care about the reactions of some people, there are those comments which I feel warrant a response. As to "blogging," one of the most informal of communications through which an individual is allowed to rant in the most unstructured of ways- often rendering more of a stream of consciousness style than any other- there are few, if any, do's and don'ts. The fact that we choose to share humorous internet tidbits on our blog with our readers is our prerogative- at least we do site the original source and in no way attempt to take personal credit for the work of others.

We have attended truly prestigious universities in which our writing skills have been honed to a level of professionalism not garnered from a "creative writing" program at a satellite offshoot of a state school...after a previously failed stint at another state school.

Call us elitist, intellectual bitches...we've earned it.

Rules of blogging

There are none. Get over it.

Reality Show I'd like to See

Courtesy of Salon.com


Hangover CSI
It's like: "CSI" for binge drinkers prone to blackout
I'm tired of tough and craggy crime scene investigators untangling a mystery from the DNA on an empty Snickers wrapper. These boilerplate intrigues are so predictable. The real mystery is how the hell I got home from that cocktail party last night, or why my dress is balled up in the kitchen and sprinkled with cheddar cheese. "Hangover CSI" probes into the questions that have dangerously plagued many a Sunday morning late-riser: Am I alone? Did I do anything stupid? Whose handcuffs are these? The team of tough and craggy "Hangover CSI" investigators help untangle these riddles -- and bail you out of jail, if need be.

We love to learn!

Urban dictionary: batshit crazy

1. batshit crazy

1. A synonym for Tom Cruise.

Tom Cruise is batshit crazy.

2. batshit crazy

adj. speech or behavior that is over the top, unhinged, self-destructive, or a threat to others.

Condition may be temporary (e.g. "Dad went all batshit crazy on me when he saw the cell phone bill") or prolonged ("Adolph Hitler was a batshit crazy megalomaniac responsible for the deaths of millions in 20th-century Europe.")

Did you see what Maureen wrote last week? Girl's been batshit crazy ever since Michael dumped her.

3. batshit crazy

someone who has absolutely nothing to lose. batshit crazy people are different from regular crazy people because of their attitude and activities. a regular crazy person would shoot at a plane with a pistol. a batshit crazy person will jump off of one plane with a knife in their hands, onto another, break the glass and kill the pilot ... and land safely. in order to be truly batshit crazy the person must do the most outrageous things every and still return safely.

crazy: throw a brick through your window

batshit crazy: throw a brick through your window, call the cops, wait for them to arrive, tell them what they did, and still get away.

It’s the weekend, people!

Is anyone else really excited about this? I don’t know about you, but we’ve had one hell of a week! Well, it was mostly just yesterday.

Last night…er, this morning…I came home from Joe’s and finished off those tacos. I’m sure they were delicious, but this morning I was suffering from some pretty mean indigestion. Tacos at 1 a.m. = bad idea. Moss (that’s a secret Thelma & Louise code word. Oh yeah, we also like to speak in code occasionally. But acronyms are still the sh*t)!

Since it’s FINALLY the weekend (not that that matters), you’ll probably spot us out at Joe’s later on this evening.

Oh, that reminds me! Last night I was sitting at the bar with JT, and some old dude asked me if I play shuffleboard. I laughed and said “Nooo-wuh!” He walked away but then he came back to try and negotiate. He asked if I’d like to learn how to play. I told him it’s not that I don’t know how to play – my granddad taught me years ago – it’s that I don’t want to play. He asked if I was “with” JT (I’m not, btw). I told him I’m not and then he said, “You should be, he’s cute!” Huh? JT, of course, was highly offended. Oh well.

Anyway, Joe’s tonight. I’m hoping I’ll be able to hang longer than usual. I’d like to also make it up to the 7. The 7’s another neighborhood bar. I’m not sure we’ve mentioned it before now. It’s more of a late-night place…unless you’re in to backgammon (???). Sometimes they have good bands. NUDIE PHOTO HUNT!!! I can’t wait!

Keep your fingers crossed the d-bag level is low tonight…

Refrigerator magnet

I used to have one. My dad brought it back from a trip to Paris (or Vegas – whatev). It was pretty. It had flowers on it. I can’t remember what kind of flowers, but they were purple. They might have been orchids. Oh well. That’s not the point.

The point is the magnet is gone. It was carelessly tossed in the garbage. “I didn’t think it was important” was the explanation. It doesn’t matter. The magnet didn’t belong to you. It wasn’t yours to throw away. Goodbye, refrigerator magnet. :(

Phew! What a day…

Do you ever have one of those days that are just completely exhausting? Maybe because work was insane? Or because you had to deal with difficult people? Yeah, it’s been one of those days. May need a drink after work. You’re all invited (well, most of you…).

leave me alone...

seriously. stop contacting me. no texts. no ims. no phone calls. no waving in my direction. don't even look at me.

Blogging is fun…and a new addiction!

Yay addiction! One of my favorite things!

I’m also addicted to L&O (that’s the acronym for Law & Order). I’m addicted to all the spin-offs too. L&O:SVU premiers September 23rd!

I used to be addicted to buying new clothes, but I had to wean myself off that one once I went broke. Too bad.

Speaking of buying new clothes, have you ever owned the same dress in every color in a 48-count box of Crayola’s? Neither have I. That’s just weird.

Puh-lease...

Wow. Amazing. It’s absurd how narcissistic some people are. Look, everything is not always about you. Seriously.

On a similar note, we were attacked today by someone who thinks this blog is all about her! Hilarious! I mean, we were berated. Verbally assaulted. It was confusing and completely unnecessary. Also extremely stressful and draining and that’s something neither of us need nor want in our life. Ugh.

Acronyms and initialisms (thanks, JT) are the sh*t

Do you ever come up with nicknames for people you know or places you go to…or basically anything? Or do you just get too lazy sometimes to speak or type someone’s full name, so you refer to them by the first letters of their first and last name? Maybe you have a weak stomach and hearing or seeing a certain someone’s full name makes you want to vom, so you HAVE to use an acronym (or initialism) just to keep down your lunch. We do! All the time!

If we know you in any way, you have an acronym (or initialism). You might not know it (except you do now since you’re reading this blog), but you have one and we use it every time you come up in conversation.

Some of our favs: BB, SS, EJ, BCBAH (you don’t want to know – or maybe you do…), IMIWA (duh). We also know someone who has a cool initialism for a restaurant he frequents. LZR. Sweet. Good job.

Anyway, acronyms are the sh*t. We love them. Fun times.

Having a job is cool...you should try it!

This morning Thelma and I went to work – I mean like actual jobs. The kind real adults have. Do you know what I’m talking about? We were both a little late, but at least we went in.

We went to Joe’s (the neighborhood bar you read about earlier) last night and had a freaking blast, per usual. So we totally could have slept in and decided “Hey, we’re feeling a little hung over this morning so we’re not going to work today. Nah, we’re not going to bother calling in with at least SOME sort of excuse. We’re just not going to show up.”

But did we do that? Absolutely not. We got up, got ready for work (which took all of ten minutes…oops!), I ate a bite of the tacos I ordered at Joe’s last night because I was STARVING, jumped in our cars and drove off to our jobs. I’m talking real jobs. These aren’t made up. No, seriously – actual jobs. The kind where you earn a living so you can take care of yourself. It’s cool…you should try it!

You're a turd...like the one you left in my toilet

you're smelly and ugly and fat and full of sh*t...

you suck the life out of everything you're around...no one likes you. poo on you.

today i almost punched my computer when you contacted me...stupid turd....i hate you. i love blogging. i've been blogging since i was twelve- note the date of my last blog...then i wanted to throw my phone across the effing room...but alas, I would have to pay for it! you make me sick...will you please leave the country stat?

we're heading down to the neighborhood bar (aka joe's - you'll be hearing a lot about it). it's totally imiwa!

stay tuned for more blogs from thelma & louise....