Recuperating

Wow, last night’s bday celebrations sure were fun. Thanks, Bunny, for having a birthday! My liver hurts. Anyway, I think it’s safe to say champagne should be kept for weekends only…

Speaking of weekends, last Saturday we got a crew together and hit up Club 227 in time for the drag show (which did NOT start promptly at midnight). First, though, T-Lo started out at Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s house where we enjoyed some delicious jello shots. My favorite was the green kind :). Mr. and Mrs. Smith are so hospitable! They also live in a great house that makes us like the House of Hotness a little bit less.

Wait a minute. We didn’t start out at the home of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Our alcohol consumption commenced precisely at 2 o’clock that afternoon at the House of Hotness. Let me look at my notes (yes, we took notes this time so we’d remember more)…

"Saturday

Commencement - 2P
-Bottle o' Andre -
Time of Death: 2:45 PM

-Bottle o' Whiskey -
Time of Death: 3:56 PM

-Started off the day w/ mimosas (made w/Orangina - the good shit!) & sushi

-Blueberry Vodka -
T.O.D.: 6:18 PM"

Anywho, after the jello shot festivities we had a couple drinks at Joe’s and then headed to Club 227! As previously mentioned, we got to see the drag show. Mr. Smith gave us dollar bills so we could tip the drag queens for a stellar performance. I got to stuff a dollar bill into this queen’s bra! Yep, that’s Thelma’s hand! Awesome. The Babysitter was with us, of course, because we can’t be trusted at a gay night club by ourselves. Photon and The Duke came too! And Kicks was there! And Rubba! To our dismay we never saw TCO :(. But it was an all-around imiwa night!

News Flash

Today is a very special day. Our dear Bunny turns another year older. I can’t remember how old she told me last night she’s turning (oops!) but she doesn’t look a day over 19! Awwww. Anyway, Bunny will be making her way down the strip tonight and she’ll be expecting some birthday kisses! Mmmmmwah! That’s what we imagine a birthday kiss would sound like.

Love,
T-Lo

Screw the details

So everything from the aforementioned blog until this very moment has been an insane blur. Asses were kicked, names were taken. If you were around to hang out with us, awesome; if not, too freaking bad. Come out and join the cool kids sometime. Anyway, we are very, very exhausted yet trying to gear up for Weekend 2...plans to hit up Club 227 are already in the works! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go have some organs transplanted...

The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale, Part II

Text conversation Saturday afternoon:
Louise (12:09 PM): “So, looks like I’m staying here this weekend.”

Thelma (12:11 PM): “Why?”

Louise (12:12 PM): “I had soooo much fun last night and I’ve been out of town every weekend. I wanna get shitty again tonight!”

Thelma (12:14 PM): “Haha maybe we need to get more bubbly...”

Louise (12:14 PM): “Hell yeah! We were so awesome last night!”

Thelma (12:15 PM): “As always.”

Louise (12:17 PM): “Is it too early to start drinking?”

Thelma (12:18 PM): “Nah. It’s Saturday.”

Louise (12:20 PM): “Why sober up? I’m gonna ride this drunkenness til tonight, bitches!”

And thus our Saturday begins.

Fast forward to Saturday night (we won’t even bother with the rest of the day since it was absolutely unproductive): We started our alcohol intake regimen earlier that day, so we were good and buzzed when it was time to start “getting ready” to go out for round 2. Speaking of getting ready, you should see this process. It’s actually pretty entertaining. But that’s another blog. Anyway, no bubbly this time. I stuck to vodka, Lo drank…was it rum? (yes) Also, the Babysitter stopped by to hang with us for a little while. (it was his bottle of rum.) Did we do a shot? (of course we did…several)

Bare with us – the nights are beginning to run together.

Okay, let’s go ahead and assume we had a Hole in the Head with the Babysitter. Then he left to hang with other friends and T-Lo headed to Fairview intent, once again, on being complete bitches. Sans the pretty dresses.

Once at Joe’s, we took our reserved seats at the Corner. TCO (!) showed up and we dished with her for a while. Outlaw’s there too and it’s laughs and carbombs all day. Meanwhile, the Babysitter was lurking around the bar for who knows how long before we finally realized he was there. He sat down and we all talked some smack. Then effing Stormy walks in and heads straight over to where we’re sitting “to hang out with us.” Yeah, right. You’re just bored and lonely. “It’sgon’rain!” Anyway, you should have heard all the sh*t that was coming out of her mouth! We thought WE were bad. Also, we received drag queen names. Red Bull, who tells awful and offensive stories, was named Miss Spoke. Louise was dubbed Miss Chievous. And I got Miss…Awesome. It was actually said with that pause. Why whoever named us couldn’t come up with something cool for me like Miss Cheivous, I do not know. Miss Awesome doesn’t even count. It has to be an actual word that begins with ‘mis.’ Duh!

Later on the Babysitter took Bug to the Head, leaving T-Lo to our own devices. Mwahahahaha! Bad move, Babysitter! We hang out for a while and pretty much just shoot the shit with TCO all night. We had some interesting/hilarious conversations. Always a good time. At one point, I accidentally sent a rather incriminating text to Stormy that was actually meant for someone else. Louise sees what’s happening and IMMEDIATELY comes to the rescue. I can’t tell you how many times she’s covered my ass. But the look on her face when she realized what I’d done was priceless. It was one of those jaw-dropping looks that says “O. M. F. G. You are screwed!” After I thank her for literally saving me from sheer disaster, she says, “You’d be in serious hot water without me around, missy!” Ain’t that the truth.

Around 10 o’clock I’m all of a sudden exhausted and head home. This time, however, I’m somewhat able to hold a conversation and actually bid farewell to some people (the night before was vaporizing at it’s finest). Yet again, Lo is left to wrap up the night without T.

The details of the remainder of the night are extremely fuzzy, but we’ll give it a shot. T is home snuggled up in her bed. Lo heads up the street to the 7 with coworkers. The Babysitter shows back up (phew!). A drink may have been sacrificed to the gods of the underworld / the floor of the 7. Oh, apparently at last call the credit card machines went down. If you weren’t carrying cash, you were told to “go get some.” Fortunately there’s an ATM real close by, and luckily Louise was one of the first to get to it. After waiting in line behind a few people (BB included, yikes!), Louise is up and brilliantly decides to withdraw $200 dollars to cover her 20-something dollar bar tab (haha). It turns out that ATM limits you at $100, which at this particular time is a good thing. So Lo takes her $100 (still way more than she needs) and heads back in to pay up, but not before learning that the ATM ran out of many three people later! Knowing she had no business withdrawing that amount of cash, Lo books it back inside before anyone can realize what she’s done. HaHAH! She’s always so quick on her feet! No one is sure of the time, but if it was last call it had to be 4ish – at least 6 hours after T had gone to bed. A-Mazing.

So, yeah. Lo remembers paying the tab but that is literally it. Getting in a car and going home? Forget about it.

Stay tuned for the awesomeness that was Sunday…

The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale, Part I

Thelma: “I know it was a regular two-day weekend for me, but for some reason I feel like I haven’t been to work in years…”

Louise: “That’s because we packed a WHOLE LOT into just a couple days!”

This weekend…Ah, where to start? First of all, let’s start with the fact that Lo ended up staying in town after all! So this was the first time in ages T-Lo has been out together during the weekend. And I’d just like to say we sure know how to turn a roomie reunion into an absolute shit show. Now for a run-down:

Friday: should have started out with Lo heading up to the ‘Ham while I prepared a side dish and attended the dinner party (it was JT’s turn this time). Unfortunately, I was informed mid-way through the day I’d be working late and would have to miss the dinner party. About the same time I received that news, Lo emailed me informing me she’d decided to stay the night in Montgomery and head up to Birmingham the following morning. That’s when it was settled – we were on a debauched mission to rip Cloverdale a new one. Seriously, this was preplanned:

Email from Lo (Friday, Jan. 16, 5:07 PM): “I cannot wait for us to get crunk. I’m gonna wear a dress and everything.”

So when I got home from work at 7:30 Friday night, I threw together some dinner and we immediately popped open that bottle of champagne. It lasted all of maybe half an hour. While finishing our last glass, Lo, who was apparently reading my mind, said, “We’re about to kill this bottle of champagne and for some reason I’m not drunk.” So how do we fix this problem? How about a Hole in the Head?! Brilliant! Well, one Hole in the Head turns into three, plus a couple cocktails. Keep in mind, this all happens BEFORE we even leave the house.

Before moving on, we need to do a little back-tracking in order for you to truly understand our state of mind. Heavy drinking wasn’t the only thing we preplanned. We also preplanned our attitudes and general treatment of anyone fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to cross our paths. Email conversation earlier that day:

Thelma (3:39 PM): “zomg trial by jury’s playing at the 7 tonight!”

Louise: (3:50 PM): “Nice. And since everything is straightened out, things won't be weird! Hooray!”

Thelma (3:53 PM): “haha yeah! i think tonight's going to be fun. i kinda feel like being bitchy to people tonight. we'll see how i feel once we're out.”

Louise (3:55 PM): “Oh yeah. C'dale beware!! The Cloverbitches are on the loose!”

Thelma (4:01 PM): “Aww i miss being Cloverbitches :( . Well, for old times sake we'll be complete (Clover)bitches tonight!

And that is just what we did! We showed up at Joe’s close to 10 o’clock and proceeded to put “Mission: Be a Complete Bitch to Everyone in Sight” into action. Apparently we talked quite a bit of smack, obnoxiously yelled out random weather forecasts, I refused to hold a conversation with anyone except for Lo and the Babysitter, etc. Of course, we remembered none of this until the next day when we asked the Babysitter to come over for a debriefing of the previous night.

Anyway, evidently that entire bottle of bubbly, three vodka shots, several vodka drinks and a handful of carbombs did the trick. It wasn’t even quite midnight when I realized I was waaaaaay too intoxicated to keep the party going. I went home but fortunately for Cloverdale, Lo was able to hold down the fort at the 7.

Take it away, Lo!

Aight- here we go...so, I honestly do not remember anything after T went home. I mean, walking with the Babysitter up to the 7 in the freezing cold? Brilliant! Anyway, more vodka and car bombs and shots were apparently consumed. There is no recollection of time spent at the 7...fortunately, no one I really knew was there so face was saved. Just kidding! The shit-show continued at home. Upon returning home, said 'Sitter looked away from Lo for a moment and the pinball began. Drunky McFalls-a-lot (aka Lo) fell into every piece of furniture between the front door and the bed. Bruises were absolutely apparent the next morning. To my absolute astonishment, I had no hangover. Rock on. We own this town!

Saturday: Thanks to an early morning phone call, I, Thelma, was up at 7 o'clock on Saturday morning. Wonderful. I get out of bed to refill my water bottle (I'm super dehydrated at this point). When I walk into our dining room I notice one of the chairs has been knocked over on it's back. My immediate response is to blame Eleanor (such a bad kitty!). I bend over to pick up the chair when I notice something strange about the dining room table. I have to go back into my room to get my glasses because somehow I was coherent enough to remove my contacts before passing out the night before. Wait, I also tried (unsuccessfully) to read three different books when I got home. The words wouldn't stop moving in each book I opened, so I eventually gave up. Anyway, I put on my glasses and go back into the dining room. ZOMG the table is slanted at practically a 45 degree angle!!! How did this happen?!?! And how did I not wake up?!?! Luckily Lo woke up only about an hour later, so I wasn't held in complete suspense for long. We also had to call up the Babysitter to get the specifics. Basically, by the time Lo made it home from the 7, she could have been mistaken for a ping pong ball. What we were told is she ran into practically every piece of furniture/wall in the house. This is also evident by the large bruises now covering almost every part of her body. Poor Lo! Of course we were astonished I slept through the whole thing. Also astonishing was that the bathroom was completely intact. The shower curtain hadn't been pulled down or anything (you remember this, don't you?)! Way to go, us!

In recounting the events of our glorious night, we realized we were still missing a vital piece of the puzzle.

Louise: "Wait, how did you get home last night?"

Thelma: "....omg I have no idea!"

The Babysitter: "I drove you home."

(T&L turn to look at each other, stunned and speechless)

The Babysitter: "I mean I drove you home in your car."

Louise: "Wait, where was I??"

The Babysitter: "You came with me."

T&L (in unison): "What?!?!"

Louise: "How did we get to the 7?"

The Babysitter: "We walked. You were bitching about it."

Louise: "Okay please explain what happened."

Anyway, apparently I made it very clear I could not drive myself home. So our sweet, sweet babysitter took the keys. For some unexplainable reason I jumped in the back seat. Lo was disturbed by this and I couldn't come up with a reason. It all worked out though. Also, we learned that Lo had a slight case of butterfingers that night, spilling - no, catapulting - one drink across the bar (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but there WAS some tumbling action...je dis juste) and another one in our babysitter's car. But considering the kind of night it was, who wouldn't expect an overturned drink or two?

Stay tuned for Part II of "The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale!"

T-LO ROX THE HIZZIE!!

That message was written on a Joe’s barnap I pulled out of my purse yesterday morning. I’m pretty sure Lo is responsible for that little bit of awesomeness. It made me smile, which wasn’t an easy thing to do that morning after.

As most of you already figured out, I pretty much gave up this past week on that hibernation thing. I’m planning on taking another stab at it so don’t plan on seeing me out next Monday through at least Wednesday.

Anyway, Wednesday night T-Lo made a celebrity appearance at Joe’s. For some reason most of the guys were AWOL that night, so we had a little ΓΒΧ action going on (if you don’t know what this is, click here). We were accompanied by Lula and Bently (both first timers on the blog, but you’ll be reading about them again!), and they definitely added to the enjoyment of ΓΒΧ. We even plotted to either take over Joe’s and rename it BLACBRA, or maybe we said we’d open a new bar altogether. Can’t quite remember. Either way we would call our bar BLACBRA (that is correct – ‘black’ sans the k). There’s a story behind how we came up with that name, but if we told you we’d have to kill you because it would reveal the true identities of these two very special mystery women. You’ll probably figure out who they are by this weekend, so chill out.

After Joe’s I headed home, while Lo took the party up the street to the 7. Evidently (I wasn’t there to witness this and Lo doesn’t quite remember the details) Lo totally bitched out some random chick who was accompanied by two men in cut-off camouflage shirts and camouflage pants (I’m guessing either her bodyguards or d-bags, je dis juste) for trying to interject in her conversation. How dare she! I guess she got what was coming to her.

Tonight is Lo’s last night in Fungomery. She’s heading back to the ‘Ham for the long weekend. So we’re popping open that bottle of champagne in T minus 1 hour (we forgot to put it in the fridge so it needs a little time to chill) and making a night of it! You know where we’ll be.

Hope you have a ridiculously badass weekend!

Yours truly,

T-Lo

Mission: Impossible

Didn’t we specifically say no compelling emails? Well, evidently our dear friend Law lives by his own rules. Around 4 o’clock Tuesday afternoon I received a rather enticing email from him suggesting, since we were deprived of our usual time together at the 7, that I come out for two drinks and a carbomb. On him…………………

Okay, you twisted my arm! I didn’t even stand a chance.

So while Lo demonstrated a remarkable resistance to temptation and was hibernating away, I, Thelma, failed miserably yet again. Back to Joe’s for me. Of course as soon as TCO walks in, she immediately stops in her tracks, points at me, and starts laughing. You can’t really blame her though – I mean, my complete lack of will power lately is pretty pathetic. Even The Royal seemed somewhat perplexed asking, “So when is Ryan going to stop tricking us with these threats of hibernation?” (or something along those lines). Anyway, my fake-out turned out to be a blessing because, thanks to TCO, we can now tell someone “you’re a dbag” in seven real languages and one made-up language. Not only that, we now can also randomly shout “beer nuts!” and throw out the all important “I’m just sayin’” and sound extremely intelligent and sexy at the same time! Je dis juste. A-Mazing! For your language lesson of the day, check out TCO’s beautiful “Tabsheet Art” (to the right):

Psych!

As several of you already know, we ended up at the bars last night after all. Boy, did we fool you or what?! Did you really believe we were serious about going into hibernation? We totally punked Cloverdale!

Just kidding. Last night’s pre-hibernation throw-down (I borrowed that from TCO – she comes up with some good ones!) was actually a last-minute complete failure of will power. Hibernation will resume tonight. We mean it this time. Please, no compelling calls, texts, emails, bat signals…you get the picture. ‘Will Power’ is not either of our middle names and we very easily give into peer pressure (especially in the form of “gang bang” texts). So one more time: We are not going out tonight. Period. End of story. This is not open for debate (who am I trying to convince here??).

Anyway, both Joe’s and the 7 were pretty dead last night (I mean, it was only Monday so I guess that’s alright) so there isn’t too much news to report today. By the time we got to Joe’s, the corner had already been taken (how dare they!) and was too crowded even for us to squeeze in. We sat in the middle of the bar instead. Better views of the NFL games (which we’re sooooo interested in seeing) anyway, so there! TCO joined us for Roadhouse at the 7. At first she turned down our invitation explaining how tired she’d been all day. But there’s just something about T&L you can’t quite resist no matter how intent you are on sticking to your guns ;). Anyway, we basically owned the 7 last night. T&L, TCO, The Menace, and Law (plus Lee, Zig and maybe 2-3 others) were the only customers! And the indoor fireplace was going. How cozy! We discussed how all we need now are sofas, but then we realized if that were to happen we’d end up waking up there the next morning waaayyy too often. Talk about getting the rumor mill going…

The intimacy was short-lived. There was a downpour of randoms at about 10:00 PM. It literally went from just us to like 40 people in two shakes of a lamb’s tail! This turned out to be advantageous for us because even though we were separated from our friends, we made new ones and had drinks and shots bought for us :).

On hibernation

So as you all know, Louise has been practically MIA for some time now, spending the past several weekends/holidays with her friends and family in the ‘Ham for various reasons (yes, she is still alive). This has meant that I, Thelma, have been single-handedly wreaking havoc (or at least trying to) on Cloverdale. I’ve put in several hard-working solo hours but the recent skyrocket in Cloverdrama has begun to take its toll. I’ve come to realize I can't handle the drama that is Cloverdale without my partner in crime. I mean in all seriousness, it's just a little too much for one badass outlaw chick to conquer all on her own :(. I eagerly await Lo’s return, which shouldn’t be too far in the future. In the meantime, I’m considering joining her in her hibernation.

The following definitions of ‘hibernate’ (note specifically #2) are courtesy of MSN Encarta (http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861617791/hibernate.html):

hi•ber•nate [ hībər nàyt ] (past and past participle hi•ber•nat•ed, present participle hi•ber•nat•ing, 3rd person present singular hi•ber•nates)

intransitive verb

Definition: 1. pass winter asleep: to be in a dormant state resembling sleep over the winter while living off reserves of body fat, with a decrease in body temperature and pulse rate and slower metabolism. Animals that hibernate include bears, bats, and many amphibians.

2. become less active: to become less active, especially by staying at home rather than going out to socialize

The goals of this experiment are to 1) cleanse ourselves of all the b.s. that’s going around, 2) save some money, for cryin’ out loud, and 3) possibly drop a few lbs in the meantime. But don’t you worry – this will probably only last a few days, if that. You’ll be seeing our smiling faces sooner than you know it!

Kisses,
T-Lo

P.s. While we’re in hibernation, can someone please find out for Louise if she can take her sparkling water into Joe’s?

You best educate yo’self!

Fortunately, T-Lo had the privilege of attending two very prestigious prep schools here in Alabama, but certainly not everyone has that opportunity. Two weeks ago, the education spending budget for the state of Alabama was prorated, effectively leaving schools with a nearly $0 operating budget.

I know that many schools are asking parents to buy 2 of each household product (one for themselves and one for the school) when they grocery shop, but many families are also feeling the effects of the national economy's plummet. I, Lo, have already begun donating small amounts of money to individual schools (schools can indeed accept ear-marked cash or personal check donations for daily operations) as they each lack different necessities.

I encourage you to start out 2009 with a generous heart - you will experience a karmic repayment - and help out the kids in our public schools who are suffering because of the actions of adults. With well-educated children, we will hopefully have a more responsible and well-informed leadership in the future.

If you’re still reading, thanks for indulging me in my rant ;)
Much love!

Back with your T-Lo fix

So now that T&L have attempted to reacquaint ourselves with the 5-day work week (boo on that), we return to our blog ;) We know you were all beside yourselves with boredom without us so here we go again...welcome 2009! If anyone has awesome stories or pics from NYE (or the holidays in general), please feel free to share and/or post your souvenirs from 2008 here.

Though we spent New Years in separate cities, we were still in communication with each other. Here's a little taste of what we got into...

NYE/NYD texting between T&L:

Louise (Jan 1, 2009 1:23:05 AM): Happy new year love!

(Thelma has already crashed by now)

Louise (Jan 1, 2009 4:44:42 AM): Let me know how NYE went. Mine was weird per usual.

(Still nothing from Thelma...)

Thelma (Jan 1, 2009 10:26:32 AM): So I woke up at 6 this morning and puked. Then passed out again. Woke up at 9:30 with a pounding headache that required 3 Goody Powders. Starving. Needed food. Walked into living room to discover the shirt I wore last night on the sofa and shoes and keys by the front door. Open front door. Makeup on the stoop. WTF?? Car not there. Great. Have to walk to Joe's. On my way there I step off the sidewalk so 2 brats on scooters can get by. I step in dog shit. Want to die.

Much love!
T-Lo