The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale, Part I

Thelma: “I know it was a regular two-day weekend for me, but for some reason I feel like I haven’t been to work in years…”

Louise: “That’s because we packed a WHOLE LOT into just a couple days!”

This weekend…Ah, where to start? First of all, let’s start with the fact that Lo ended up staying in town after all! So this was the first time in ages T-Lo has been out together during the weekend. And I’d just like to say we sure know how to turn a roomie reunion into an absolute shit show. Now for a run-down:

Friday: should have started out with Lo heading up to the ‘Ham while I prepared a side dish and attended the dinner party (it was JT’s turn this time). Unfortunately, I was informed mid-way through the day I’d be working late and would have to miss the dinner party. About the same time I received that news, Lo emailed me informing me she’d decided to stay the night in Montgomery and head up to Birmingham the following morning. That’s when it was settled – we were on a debauched mission to rip Cloverdale a new one. Seriously, this was preplanned:

Email from Lo (Friday, Jan. 16, 5:07 PM): “I cannot wait for us to get crunk. I’m gonna wear a dress and everything.”

So when I got home from work at 7:30 Friday night, I threw together some dinner and we immediately popped open that bottle of champagne. It lasted all of maybe half an hour. While finishing our last glass, Lo, who was apparently reading my mind, said, “We’re about to kill this bottle of champagne and for some reason I’m not drunk.” So how do we fix this problem? How about a Hole in the Head?! Brilliant! Well, one Hole in the Head turns into three, plus a couple cocktails. Keep in mind, this all happens BEFORE we even leave the house.

Before moving on, we need to do a little back-tracking in order for you to truly understand our state of mind. Heavy drinking wasn’t the only thing we preplanned. We also preplanned our attitudes and general treatment of anyone fortunate (unfortunate?) enough to cross our paths. Email conversation earlier that day:

Thelma (3:39 PM): “zomg trial by jury’s playing at the 7 tonight!”

Louise: (3:50 PM): “Nice. And since everything is straightened out, things won't be weird! Hooray!”

Thelma (3:53 PM): “haha yeah! i think tonight's going to be fun. i kinda feel like being bitchy to people tonight. we'll see how i feel once we're out.”

Louise (3:55 PM): “Oh yeah. C'dale beware!! The Cloverbitches are on the loose!”

Thelma (4:01 PM): “Aww i miss being Cloverbitches :( . Well, for old times sake we'll be complete (Clover)bitches tonight!

And that is just what we did! We showed up at Joe’s close to 10 o’clock and proceeded to put “Mission: Be a Complete Bitch to Everyone in Sight” into action. Apparently we talked quite a bit of smack, obnoxiously yelled out random weather forecasts, I refused to hold a conversation with anyone except for Lo and the Babysitter, etc. Of course, we remembered none of this until the next day when we asked the Babysitter to come over for a debriefing of the previous night.

Anyway, evidently that entire bottle of bubbly, three vodka shots, several vodka drinks and a handful of carbombs did the trick. It wasn’t even quite midnight when I realized I was waaaaaay too intoxicated to keep the party going. I went home but fortunately for Cloverdale, Lo was able to hold down the fort at the 7.

Take it away, Lo!

Aight- here we go...so, I honestly do not remember anything after T went home. I mean, walking with the Babysitter up to the 7 in the freezing cold? Brilliant! Anyway, more vodka and car bombs and shots were apparently consumed. There is no recollection of time spent at the 7...fortunately, no one I really knew was there so face was saved. Just kidding! The shit-show continued at home. Upon returning home, said 'Sitter looked away from Lo for a moment and the pinball began. Drunky McFalls-a-lot (aka Lo) fell into every piece of furniture between the front door and the bed. Bruises were absolutely apparent the next morning. To my absolute astonishment, I had no hangover. Rock on. We own this town!

Saturday: Thanks to an early morning phone call, I, Thelma, was up at 7 o'clock on Saturday morning. Wonderful. I get out of bed to refill my water bottle (I'm super dehydrated at this point). When I walk into our dining room I notice one of the chairs has been knocked over on it's back. My immediate response is to blame Eleanor (such a bad kitty!). I bend over to pick up the chair when I notice something strange about the dining room table. I have to go back into my room to get my glasses because somehow I was coherent enough to remove my contacts before passing out the night before. Wait, I also tried (unsuccessfully) to read three different books when I got home. The words wouldn't stop moving in each book I opened, so I eventually gave up. Anyway, I put on my glasses and go back into the dining room. ZOMG the table is slanted at practically a 45 degree angle!!! How did this happen?!?! And how did I not wake up?!?! Luckily Lo woke up only about an hour later, so I wasn't held in complete suspense for long. We also had to call up the Babysitter to get the specifics. Basically, by the time Lo made it home from the 7, she could have been mistaken for a ping pong ball. What we were told is she ran into practically every piece of furniture/wall in the house. This is also evident by the large bruises now covering almost every part of her body. Poor Lo! Of course we were astonished I slept through the whole thing. Also astonishing was that the bathroom was completely intact. The shower curtain hadn't been pulled down or anything (you remember this, don't you?)! Way to go, us!

In recounting the events of our glorious night, we realized we were still missing a vital piece of the puzzle.

Louise: "Wait, how did you get home last night?"

Thelma: "....omg I have no idea!"

The Babysitter: "I drove you home."

(T&L turn to look at each other, stunned and speechless)

The Babysitter: "I mean I drove you home in your car."

Louise: "Wait, where was I??"

The Babysitter: "You came with me."

T&L (in unison): "What?!?!"

Louise: "How did we get to the 7?"

The Babysitter: "We walked. You were bitching about it."

Louise: "Okay please explain what happened."

Anyway, apparently I made it very clear I could not drive myself home. So our sweet, sweet babysitter took the keys. For some unexplainable reason I jumped in the back seat. Lo was disturbed by this and I couldn't come up with a reason. It all worked out though. Also, we learned that Lo had a slight case of butterfingers that night, spilling - no, catapulting - one drink across the bar (okay, I'm exaggerating a bit here, but there WAS some tumbling action...je dis juste) and another one in our babysitter's car. But considering the kind of night it was, who wouldn't expect an overturned drink or two?

Stay tuned for Part II of "The Weekend We Sacked Cloverdale!"